If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
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I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go