“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
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Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Real House Wines.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*