If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
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How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?