If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
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I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet