if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
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peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
some things should go without saying
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”