if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
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Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Guantanamo Bae
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl