if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
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I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
God has abandoned us.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Twitter is an abusement park.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.