If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
You Might Also Like
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy