If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
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I will never stop laughing at this
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
May never get over this
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game