If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
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Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Well, that should do it
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block