If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
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Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.