Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”
Baker: “No diggity?”
Me: “Baguette up.”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
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Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*
Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned