@joshgondelman

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

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@ojedge

[Blackstreet Bakery]

Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”

Baker: “No diggity?”

Me: “Baguette up.”

@TheBoydP

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

@kelkulus

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

@reallifemommy3

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

@shopkins776

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

@RichardDawkins

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

@gbergan

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

@Rollmaninoz

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned