If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

You Might Also Like


[Blackstreet Bakery]

Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”

Baker: “No diggity?”

Me: “Baguette up.”


Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind


Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.


3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix


If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me


The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.


I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.


[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned