If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
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ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”