if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
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if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Who.
Did.
This?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go