If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
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when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
What kind of a cult is this?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
consequences, the bane of my existence
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!