@benedictsred

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

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@zipoffs

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

@cravin4

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

@AmishSuperModel

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

@TheHyyyype

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

@ArielDumas

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

@BoothysTweets

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

@NickSchug

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

@TheTweetOfGod

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

@JudeFrisco

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

@oopstastik

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.