If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
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Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Great acting.. 😂
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.