if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
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Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I have no passwords left in me
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.