If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
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how it started vs how it ended
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Huge if true.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.