If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
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In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*