I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
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[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
I asked her if she thought I was weird
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Me: I’ll never get married again!
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters