If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
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Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit