If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
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[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.