If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
the prophecy has been fulfilled
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist