If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
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Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…