If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
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Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.