If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
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Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
never ask a starfish for directions
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.