If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
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Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
#NeverForget
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates