If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
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I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
What even happened today?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
😂😂😂
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.