If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
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This meeting could have been a cake
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’