If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
You Might Also Like
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*