@whatsJo

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

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@quantumsleep22

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

@gbergan

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

@4SLars

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

@BuckyIsotope

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

@RodLacroix

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

@Tmoney68

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

@vrunt

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

@weinerdog4life

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

@SortaBad

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch