If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

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My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.


You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.


PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.


WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”


What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes


Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.


Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.


this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets


Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?


No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch