@whatsJo
@quantumsleep22 My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
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@quantumsleep22 
@gbergan You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
@4SLars PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
@Brampersandon_ WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
@BuckyIsotope What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
@RodLacroix Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
@Tmoney68 Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
@vrunt this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
@weinerdog4life Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
@SortaBad No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch