@whatsJo
@Darlainky Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
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@Darlainky 
@DanLaMorte I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
@NotTodayEric Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
@CynicalTherapi1 When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
@SavoirFail Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
@simoncholland I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
@SteveSuckington [talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
@Reverend_Scott Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
@Westoff123 I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
@Death_Buddy *gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*