If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
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Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
dam girl
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.