If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
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If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95