If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Canada has crack?
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”