if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
finally
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Breaking news:
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.