If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
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I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed