If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
You Might Also Like
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.