If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
You Might Also Like
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…