If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
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GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”