If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
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[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.