If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

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[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*


*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness


HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window


I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.


One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.


ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more


if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito


i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.


I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.