If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
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Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
sliding into dms like
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches