If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
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Cinematography is my passion
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
The honesty is refreshing
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.