If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
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My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.