If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
You Might Also Like
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers