If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
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I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.