If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
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[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.