If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
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Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Oh we’ve met.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.