If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
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The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”