If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
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[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
It’s the weekend y’all
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*