If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
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He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Me: how are you
Friday: good
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Brands during Pride
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart