if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
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Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Lucky for them, they’re cute
