If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
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Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.